


I'm Sorry

by I_hate_the_snow



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Betrayal, Bi-Curiosity, Blow Jobs, Cunnilingus, Depression, Desperation, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Homophobia, M/M, Male gay sex, Oral Sex, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Vaginal Sex, attempted suicide, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-17 07:57:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8136319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_hate_the_snow/pseuds/I_hate_the_snow
Summary: Mentions of attempted suicide, please get hep if you need it.





	1. I Just Want to Turn Off My Brain For a While

_“Rick, please.”_

_“I can’t, Daryl.  I’m married.  I’ve got a family.  I’m not saying this is the end, but you have to just give me time.”_

_“Please….”  The redneck’s hands were trembling as he gipped onto Rick’s bicep._

_“I’ll see you in a few days.”_

xxxxx

Daryl went back to work, shaking off the well-deserved hangover as he put on a smile to mask the pain that gripped his soul. Days turned into weeks, and there was no sign of Rick. No phone call. No text. No stop at the auto body shop for “general maintenance” on the car, or himself.

_You just throw me away like everyone else._

He thought back to how the met, and how that pair of blue eyes pulled him in. Then the other one. Shane. The high school jock who never grew up. He physically hurt when he thought of Rick. His soul was crushed.

_I’m too far gone._

Daryl found himself gradually growing closer to his roommate Gareth, whom he spent most of his time with now.

_The memories will keep fading_

Gareth, who ran a local radio show. All sports, all the time. Some morning drive crap, but mostly sports.

_I hate being me._

His pain in the ass girlfriend, Jessie, who would always spend the night and conveniently forget her clothes after taking a shower, forcing her to walk around the small apartment in just a towel.

_You’re barking up the wrong tree, girly._

Daryl wanted to sleep all the time. When he wasn’t sleeping, he wanted booze. He ached to be in Rick’s arms. The white hot pain of being alone was all-consuming.

_I miss you._

There was a handgun under the register at Negan’s Auto Body. It would be quick. Easy. A shooting meant that Rick would have to come to the scene. Maybe he’d see him. Notice him. Hear the screams that are in his head.

_Tonight.  I’ll end it tonight._

_xxxxx_

Then came the fateful day when Daryl went for a jog in the local park. Rick was on duty, and he saw… _her._

The one he kisses goodnight.

The one who holds his heart.

The one who knows every inch of him.

She was pushing four year old Carl on the swing, and her belly was swollen, obvious announcing to the world that a new Grimes will be here. He couldn’t face her.  He knew that she was the one he kissed that morning.  Maybe she was the one he fucked last night.  He tried to run past them until Carl noticed him.

_Please just let me go._

“Daryl!” the child squealed. It got Lori’s attention, who waved at Rick’s buddy and invited him over. He wasn’t ready when his feet took him over to the stunningly beautiful woman. _Rick’s woman._

They had a brief interaction…nothing that can be considered a proper conversation. Finally, she reached over and took his hand in her frail one and said, "Are you okay?" The true concern in her voice and the honest look in her eyes shattered him in a million little pieces.

He wasn't okay. He hadn't been for a while. He reached over and pulled her into a tight hug while she rubbed his back, whispering, "I know. It’s okay." He didn't realize when the tears started, but sobs racked through his body. The cool breeze quickly dried his hot tears.

Lori meant well, but her words were just words. She _didn’t_ know what was wrong. She _didn’t_ know. And if she really knew why he was so upset, she wouldn’t be so eager to offer words of comfort. 

_We both love the same man. Except you have him and I don’t_

Daryl needed to talk to someone. But they knew he wouldn't. He hadn't talked to anyone in a while. He was silently hating himself every day. Gareth noticed…why didn’t he talk to Rick?

_Maybe Rick did and just didn't care._

_xxxxx_

He went home after the incident in the park, and shut the door.  Gareth was at work.  Jessie was, thankfully, not there.  Daryl realized at that moment that he was alone.  He thought about calling his brother, Merle, but the asshole had been unreachable for the past few years.  Maybe in prison again, he didn’t know.  He couldn’t call his father, unless the Devil had a phone number, and what was left of his mother was in an urn in the back of his closet.

_Nobody knows what this feels like._

Daryl grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels and started drinking from the bottle.  No sense in using a glass if it was just him.  He flipped on the small television, and the screen landed on a football game.

_Whiskey and a football game.  Time to be a man._

He almost threw the remote across the room and went to the small window with the bent screen.  An eight story drop.  Quick and painless.  He could take some of Gareth’s Vicodin or Jessie’s Xanax, wash both bottles down with the bitter amber liquid, and end it


	2. Evey Day is the Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***TRIGGERS***
> 
> This chapter mentions self harm and thoughts of suicide. Please get help if you need it.

Daryl felt like a zombie. Work, home, a sleepless night. Work, home, a sleepless night. He didn’t eat, didn’t feel the need to. He thought about all the ways he could hurt himself at work. An auto body shop has dozens of things that could be used as a weapon.

_I don’t want to be here._

Gareth was the one who finally got Daryl out of his apartment. The cold air and warm sun felt gentle on Daryl’s skin, and a smile tried to tug on the corner of his lips. Gareth, of course, had his radio show to tend to so he asked Daryl to come with and do it with him. He agreed, hesitantly, remembering the fun he used to have on the show. They played music, and Gareth attempted some bickering with his “special guest” but he didn't get much out of him.

_I’m trying._

He didn't want to disappoint his buddy, but he was just so tired.  They took some calls and played some music before Daryl got uncomfortably warm in the cozy studio.  He felt his face flush, his heart race, and the bottom drop out of his stomach.  He ripped off the headphones while still on air and raced to the bathroom in time to vomit the contents of his stomach into the toilet.  He was shaking uncontrollably, and despite the deep breathing tips he saw on the internet, he knew he had to leave.  Gareth quickly gave in, not wanting his best friend to cry and embarrass him in front of everyone.

_Nobody understands._

It was a five mile walk from the radio station to his apartment.  He stopped at the local Target, half way between the two places, and calmly walked into the hygiene section.  Razors.  That would get the job done.  He couldn’t find any plain blades.  That’s when the fingernails on a chalkboard voice caught him off guard.

“Well, hiya stranger!”

He sighed and closed his eyes tightly, wanting to disappear.  “Hey Jessie.”

“You looking for anything in particular?”  She said, as she reached out and gently caressed his hand.

“No.”

“So you swung by to just see me?”  She giggled.

The redneck returned the polite smile and tried to listen to what the blonde was babbling about.  His mind was a million miles away.  Merle would know what to do.  He’d jump the desk at the pharmacy and get all the narcotics he could.  But Merle wasn’t there.

_Let me let go._

She kept talking, and when her supervisor walked by he asked Daryl if he needed any help. 

“Jessie, thanks for taking care of the customer, but you need to finish stocking the shelf.” 

“Yes, Miss Jacqui.”

He watched the annoying bottle blonde walk away and returned his stare to the rack of razors.  Nothing.  He’d have to work with what was at home. 

_The window is the answer.  Rick would be the one to respond.  He’d see what he did to me._

He sighed, and started to leave.  He knew the security camera would be focused on him, so he made it clear that he didn’t have anything in his hands when he started to walk away.

He stopped quickly, and a chill ran down his spine when he heard the all too familiar footsteps.  It was him.  The man who held his future in his hands.  The only one he wanted for the rest of his life.

Daryl went deeper into the aisle, just as Rick was walking down the main floor.  He was carrying a package of diapers and a bouquet of flowers.

_He has a home.  I’m nothing but a distraction._

The officer didn’t even see the redneck, as Daryl slowly slipped into the next row…right where Jessie was.

“We gotta stop meeting like this!”  She squealed.

_God help me._

He tried to smile, but seeing the love of his life walking away…going home to his family…was too much to handle.

“….so then he said he didn’t want to watch it with me, but I told him he’d like the show.”

“Uh-huh.”  Daryl croaked out, not listening or caring about what the blonde had to say.

Jessie grabbed onto Daryl’s arm to get his attention. Rick had paid for what he had and the archer watched as his love walked out of the store.  His gaze returned to the bubbly blonde, but not before visually scanning the pile of boxes she had to open and put on the shelves.

xxxxx

 

Daryl walked into the kitchen and took a swig of the Devil’s brew. It burned his throat, but he didn’t mind the pain. He was numb from pain…he welcomed it.  He had to. He stumbled into the bathroom with his new toy and flopped on the floor.

_It gets worse.  It always gets worse..._

He hated himself.  He was never right.  He was never wanted.  He never had such severe feelings of pain and heartache.  His mind was clouded from the abyss of heartache that was his childhood. He hated himself.  His pain came from a deep, dark place. And he knew how to deal with it. He hadn't experienced depression like this before. The agony and isolation. He hated himself.

_It can be so easy._

He placed the near empty bottle on the floor and looked at his wrists.  The bumpy, fading scars were a reminder of how he hid from his father’s rage, and how he wanted his father to find him.  Dead in a pool of blood.  So, he began to cut.

_I’m replaceable._

xxxxx

“Miss Anderson, you need to pay more attention to what you’re doing.”  Jacqui Douglas admonished the blonde, and the older woman looked through the empty boxes that were discarded.

“Do you have any idea where it is?  If that ended up in the wrong hands the store could be sued.  I’m your boss and you are my responsibility.”

“I’m sorry, Miss Jacqui.  It was right here.”  A tearful Jessie said, trying to focus on what she did.

“Well, now it’s not.”  She snapped.  “Do you have any idea how that could be used as a weapon?”

“That’s what the nine-eleven hijackers used, right?”  Oliva added, her contribution was not needed.

“This is not the time.”  The older woman barked, as the heavy set woman looked at Jessie with a twinkle in her eye.

“Just…that it’s so dangerous.  You haveta be so careful.”  She said, a smile tugging at her lips.

“Olivia, get in the breakroom.  Jessie, my office.  I’ll have to call the regional manager and tell them you lost a box cutter.  How could you be so irresponsible?”


	3. I Should Have Said It

Lori’s eyelids were getting heavy.  Judith was born a few weeks early, but was home and healthy.  She doubled her birth weight within two months, and was sleeping like a rock and eating like a horse.

Rick had just finished checking his phone.  No message from Daryl.  No email, test or voice mail.  His heart was breaking, and he didn’t know how to put the pieces back together.

He bit his lip when he pressed the button to turn the phone off for the night.  Maybe he should focus on his family. 

After gently putting his phone on the counter he walked into the living room and saw the two women in his life.  Judith was asleep on Lori’s chest, who had her head tilted back and to the side.  He quietly slipped back into the kitchen and came back with his phone, the soft click waking Lori out of her light sleep.

“Mmmm?”

“I had to take a picture.  It was too beautiful.”  He smiled.

His wife smiled warmly, showing him the dimples on her cheeks he fell in love with back in high school.  He shut off his phone again, missing an incoming message by seconds.

“Lemmie take her.”  Rick whispered, slowly lifting and cradling his daughter.  “I’ll put her to bed.” 

Lori accepted the gesture and followed Rick upstairs, knowing that he already locked up.  She washed up in the bathroom and adjusted her nursing bra, tying to cram her oversized breasts into the cotton garment.

She checked on Carl, who fell asleep while reading Harry Potter, then crawled into bed just as her husband did.

xxxxx

Lori rolled into her husband’s arms and kissed him deeply.

He moved his mouth to her neck and started teasing her with gentle kisses, letting her moan just a little as he pushed his groin against hers. 

They looked into each other's eyes, holding the gaze for a moment, and kissed. Each kiss got deeper and deeper. He rolled on top of her, and separated her legs with his hands. He sat up on his knees and pulled her panties off.

She pulled off her shirt, and sat up to pull down his boxers, freeing his erection. He slid into her hard. She winced at first, then started to ride him in the familiar rhythm they developed over the past thirteen years of marriage. He rode her hard. In his mind, she was Daryl. She was surprised to feel how rough he was getting. He pulled out and flipped her over, and shoved in rough from behind. He pounded into her for over twenty minutes and came forcefully, exploding deep inside her. She was panting, out of breath.

"Oh my God, that was amazing."

"I'm not done."  He said with a chuckle.

She rolled onto her back, and he grabbed her legs and put them over his shoulders. Her knees were at his ears. He put his mouth over her lips, licking up her wetness from her orgasm. He darted his tongue in and out, making her come over and over. He was thinking of Daryl the entire time. He wanted to taste him again. Part of him wished he was with him at that moment. He was hard again, and after she came strongly he wanted her to suck him off.

He laid on his back, legs spread wide. She got to her belly, and took him in her mouth. She cupped his balls, and bobbed her head up and down. He closed his eyes and thought of Daryl. When he was close he sat up and pulled Lori close. She sat on his lap, facing him. He thrusted his entire length into her. She moaned loudly from the orgasm, and lost count of how many time she came. She rocked her hips, and he told her to look him in the eye. He wanted to see her cum. He put one hand on the mattress to steady himself, he thrusted harder and harder, while she slid up and down on his cock. He smiled when he saw her eyes roll back, and he came strongly, the second time inside of her.  She didn’t feel the spray of breastmilk that got Rick in the face until she slowly opened her eyes and saw what happened.

“Oh…sorry.”  She laughed.

“S’alright.”  He mumbled.  “We gotta wash the sheets anyway.”  He placed his hand on her back and pulled her even closer, putting his mouth on her nipple and taking some of the mile from the source.

“Judy gets those titties for a while.  Then they’re all mine.”  Rick said with a smile.  He watched her lithe body as she reached for the nursing bra and a breast pad to contain the leaking milk.

They laid together, sweaty, sticky and exhausted.

Rick stared at the ceiling, trying to put Daryl in the back of his mind.  His parents will be coming over in a few days to see their only granddaughter.  He had to act like a man.  If his father knew…

… _This was the way a man is supposed to be.  A man is someone who has a respectable job, a wife, children, and a home.  And Lori…God, if she knew…a man, a real man, would make her orgasm over and over like he just did.  Maybe Daryl was just a phase.  Lori was his first love, and the only woman he ever laid.  Other than Daryl, the only person he ever was sexually attracted to._

Lori’s breathing started the rhythmic beat of a deep sleep.  If the truth comes out, it would destroy her.  She’s the only child of two only children, and her parents died in a car accident five years ago.

He doesn’t know how much longer he could live this life.  He thought it would be worse, and more unforgivable, if the other person was another woman.  But for the past five years, Daryl was the only one to hold onto his heart so tightly it hurt.

xxxxx

At some point he slept, because he opened his eyes as the sun was coming up, flooding the bedroom with soft light.  Lori’s side was empty, and the clock read a few minutes past four am.  Typical early day.  His shift starts at seven.  Rick pulled back the blankets and saw the mess he and Lori _his wife_ made a few hours earlier.  A smile tugged at his lips as he made sure the door was shut before getting out of bed, naked, and going to the bathroom to take a shower. 

Daryl was a fading, like a dream.  Maybe it was best that way.

He got dressed into his uniform and stripped the bed before heading downstairs. 

Carl was still asleep, Judy was in her bouncy seat, and Lori was washing a dish at the sink, unaware of his presence. 

His hands landed on her waist as he pulled her closer to him.

“Mmmmm…..morning, officer.”

“Morning, baby.”

“You’re up early.  I know of a way to kill some time before you head off.”  She said, after she turned around and looked him right in the eye. 

He grinned and bent down for a kiss, his lips lingering on hers for a few moments.

The phone rang, breaking their moment of intimacy.  As Rick was about to pick up the phone he noticed Shane’s home number, and his heart skipped a beat.  Shane rarely calls, especially so early.

“Hey.”

“Hey.  We gotta go.  There’s an attempted suicide.”

“Attempted?  What are the details?  Who...”

“Rick, its Daryl.”


	4. I'm better

Rick’s teary blue eyes were the first thing that came into Daryl’s vision when he came out of the comfortable void he wanted to stay in.

Daryl looked around the room, letting his eyes adjust to the light and the new surroundings. He hated the smell of a hospital room. Pine-sol, puke, piss and blood. That’s the stench that choked him when he was in the room. 

His gaze landed on his forearms, which were bandaged up. He didn’t feel anything, thanks to whatever medication that was coursing through his veins. Shane came into the room with two coffees, one for himself and one for Rick.

“Why?”  Rick’s trembling voice asked.

Daryl didn’t answer.  He thought about how many people had died in the room he presently occupied. 

“Daryl?”  Rick asked, as his fingers found the redneck’s hand. 

The door opened for a second time, and the last person Daryl wanted to see let everyone know she was there.

“Well, three hunky guys.  Just don’t tell my boyfriend.”  Jessie cackled.

Daryl rolled his eyes and looked back at Rick, who didn’t even glance at the pesky blonde.  Shane had already visually checked her out from head to toe, and decided that he wanted to have sex with her.

“Jessie, do you know what happened?”  Shane said, with a flirty smile.

“I dunno.  I was asleep.”

Rick’s eyes scanned Daryl’s body, from his tightly bandaged arms to the swollen lump on his forehead.

“What happened?”  The officer whispered.

Daryl shook his head “no.”

“Like, Gareth knows.  He’s on his way.”

The archer and the officer didn’t break eye contact, just swimming in each other’s blue pools. 

Shane winced as the door opened quickly and Gareth stormed in.

“Jess, would it kill you to wait for me?  Christ.  Hey Rick.”

Rick looked up at the new arrival and asked what happened.

“Well,” he said, suddenly serious, “I heard him crying in the bathroom.  He wouldn’t answer the door, and it was locked.  I thought he needed help.  I had to force open the door, and that made him go head first into the tub.”  Gareth pointed to his own forehead to show where the redneck’s bump was.

“It knocked him out.  I got out my belt and tried to wrap it around his arm.  He was still out when the paramedics got there.”

An awkward stretch of silence blanketed the room.  Gareth got the unsaid message and silently took Jessie out of the room.

“Why?”  Rick asked again.

 "Rick, I love you."

Shane stopped drinking his coffee and left the room.  Daryl had opened a door he wasn’t supposed to. Some things were better left unsaid.

xxxxx

The ninety days that followed were hell for them both.  An involuntary psych hold.  He didn’t want to ask to be released, he just went through the motions of the required counseling.  He couldn’t receive visitors, and had to have every move monitored. 

Ninety days without seeing Rick.  He missed the feeling of being in his arms.  Daryl missed the man’s scent, kiss, and taste. 

He hadn't cut in a while and he'd never felt better, but he missed the control it gave him.  He put on a smile for everyone. That was his twenty foot stone wall from letting people close to him.

xxxxx

Gareth picked him up on the day of his release, driving him back to the apartment.

“Rick call?”  He asked, hopefully.

“No.  Sorry.”

“S’alright.”  Daryl said, trying to act casual, but trying to remember where his switchblade was.  “Jessie alright?”  He asked, his voice raspy.

His friend inhaled deeply, before saying “yep.”  He gritted his teeth tightly.  “She’s pregnant.  We’re getting married.”

“Congrats.”

“She said she was on the pill.”

xxxxx

Calls and text messages to Rick went unanswered.  Daryl was about ready to give up.

Negan had sympathy for his best employee and allowed him to come back to work.  The days crawled by, with the archer keeping himself with fixing the broken cars. 

Out of the corner of his eye he saw an old red minivan pull into the parking lot.

Shit.

Rick walked into the garage, and just watched Daryl. 

The desire that was silenced by a months long unwanted muteness came back strongly.  It roared back with such ferocity both men had to steady themselves from running into each other’s arms.

Rick followed Daryl into the office, then shut, locked the door and closed the blind.  This was not the time for a platonic conversation in front of everyone.

After Rick caught his breath he said to Daryl “I love you.”

They stared at each other, both with big smiles on their faces, until Daryl broke the silence and said “I love you, dammit."

Daryl pulled Rick up by the waist and connected their lips into a passionate kiss.

“What about your family…wife, kids, white picket fence?”

“I’ll work something out. I want you to be my family.  We can do this.  Lori’s pregnant again.  She’s been asking about you.”

The seriousness of the situation dawned on them both.

“I’m sorry.”  Daryl croaked out.

“I’m sorry too.”

xxxxx

Rick and Shane were on patrol, when Shane asked Rick about the difference between men and women.

“So, how things with Lori, bro?”

“Good. Good. She’s good with turning off the lights. I’m the one who forgets.”

“Not what I meant.”

Rick sighed. “It’s different since she got pregnant again.  She’s too tired to do anything, and even if she wanted to, she doesn’t do it for me anymore.”

“You gonna split?”

“Judy’s only six months old.”

“What about Daryl?”

At the mention of Rick’s love, the officer’s face lit up. More so than when he was talking about his wife.

“He’s good. Real good.”

Shane smirked and looked at his lifelong friend. “You gonna come out to her?”

Rick shook his head. “It’s not the right time. Life is going fine the way it is.  When the new baby is out off to college, maybe then.”  He said with a chuckle.

You still love her?”

“Lori? Of course. But it’s different. I’d take a bullet for her. I love my family, Shane. But with Daryl…it’s different.”

The dark haired officer nodded his head, and remained quiet.  He looked at his watch and smirked.

xxxxx

Daryl’s bed was much more comfortable now that Rick was back in it. They laid face to face, basking in the afterglow of blissful sex.

“I love you...” Daryl smiled.

“I love you too.” Rick replied, as he pressed his forehead against his lover’s.

“I grew up thinkin I was shit.  You make me feel better.  I never felt that.”

xxxxx

They fucked most of the night, physically exhausted but emotionally happy. When Daryl started to drift off to sleep Rick slipped out of bed and quietly got dressed before he went home to his family. 

xxxxx

Rick was thinking about how much longer he could handle living the life of a family man who had a boyfriend on the side as he pulled into his spot in the garage. Another woman could be overlooked…so many politicians do it that a sheriff in a small town wouldn’t make the headlines.

He shut the garage door and walked into the house, grateful the central air conditioning won the struggle against the night’s humidity. The home was typical of a young family with two small children. He caught the lingering scent of the tomato sauce Lori made for dinner. The place was clean, and at four in the morning it was quiet, and Rick wanted to take a shower before anyone woke up.

On his way to the stairs he saw a shadow on the couch. The lamp clicked on, illuminating the small room.  Lori was sitting on the sofa, her face red and streaked with tears.

Rick panicked. “Baby, is there something wrong? Are the kids okay?”

“They’re fine.” Lori sniffed, as she wiped her eyes.

“Are you okay?” Rick’s cop instincts kicked in and he checked her over for any cuts or scratches.

“No. No, I’m not okay, Rick.”

Rick was in the process of sitting on the spot of the couch next to his wife when she handed him an envelope.

“Someone dropped it off today. It was at the door when I got back from dropping Carl off at school.”

Rick took the package from her shaking hands and looked inside…it seemed to be nothing but pictures. It wasn’t until he removed the sheets that he saw photographs of him and Daryl, taken from the manager’s office of the auto body shop. Rick going down on Daryl, Daryl going down on Rick, Rick fucking Daryl from behind while jerking him off, and Daryl returning the favor. The two men kissing passionately.

He felt as though he was kicked in the gut. His own eyes started to fill with tears when he looked at his wife.

“L…L…Lori. I’m sorry.”

“You’re gay?”


End file.
